Sunday, August 21, 2016

The swirling eddy of apprehension

I love my dad Harry, don't get me wrong! Well...I love his memory is probably more accurate I guess. He's been gone these last 20 years. SHIT I'D LIKE A COFFEE DATE!
I don't think Harry had a ton of confidence in me as a kid. I don't hold it against him, but I felt that I never REALLY measured up. I mean he wasn't cruel or anything, he just never really said that he was proud of me you know? Must be "the English way".
 He taught me how to ride a bike and he showed me how to respect women. That man loved my question! NOTHING came before my mum in his life. Nothing came before Harry in mum's life. That's damned near magic pixie dust shit right there. They must have communicated?
However they decided to "be married" it worked.
Death parted them.
Growing up, I was never encouraged to GO FOR IT whether it was a drivers licence, traveling, a job or anything risky.
In fact, to this day, mum worries about me riding my motorbike, living on my own, my wanting to ride my bike to Guatemala...
She'd rather I sit indoors with the curtains drawn and the doors locked. I only do that when bouts of deep depression freezes my heart and brain.
I get it! Mums worry. After all, I'm "her baby".
Mum was protective! I get that!
But so far, in my life, a few people have chided in with acidic negativity that I believed.
In the not to far away past, I've been told that everything I set out to do, I fail. That was a lie.
I've been told that everything I start, I don't finish. That's a lie.
I've been told that I'd be better off "not risking it" That's a lie.
I've been told that I'd never amount to anything. That's a lie.
You (we) must weigh this sort of information though mustn't you? Good God! If friends and family utter these words...shouldn't we listen?
My first reaction is to "turtle" because the vitriol comprised in the words seep deep into the soul...
However, a sober, sane pause might lend clarity to the moment. (ignore throat lump, think about it)
Was the oracle delivered by a sane person?
Was it delivered by a wounded person?
Was it delivered by a person in authority over you?
Was it given by a bully?
Was it said by someone you respect that doesn't respect you?
So much to consider.
Let's not exclude passionate words that can't be taken back!
You can tell that I work with adolescent humans that are in the care of the Ministry can't you?
All this to say...
Whether you're pissed off, wounded or feeling smugly superior...think before you speak.
Because that person you're facing just might believe you...