Saturday, January 10, 2015

Unintentional neurocranium slam dancing

Who doesn't experience incessant mind videos and thoughts at night that interrupt the delicious heady place between cognizant reality and inattentive peacefulness?  It's that coveted spot right before the Sandman's dust caresses your face which sends you to the land of slumber.
The place in which its decided whether you'll rest or thrash about with altered heart rate.
Toss your personal demons in this spot, its where they wait to pounce from the cold shadows if you're not quite tired enough to drop off. Maybe you answered a few last texts on your device or you're planning the stress of tomorrow? Perhaps that scenario you wish you could forgive or forget creeps in here. How about believing the trash talk you give yourself? You know, spew a few lies and buy them?
Never the less you're robbed of the very fuel your brain needs to function...if ONLY you could halt its function NOW! What a ridiculous conundrum.
Many therapists have taken pen to paper...I mean, fingers to keyboard, to offer us all kinds of solutions to this pain in the pillow!
Sex, a nip of brandy, warm milk, read a light book, hot tea, massage, weed, hot bath, open a window, call the cat, TURN OFF YOUR DEVICE, hypnosis, meditation, prayer, narcotics etc etc.
My demon waits...she's patient. Often I get about 3 hours in the land of drool and I wake spastically with a ridiculous thought thrashing about my brain like a Skinhead on a dance floor flailing to 70's OI OI OI music.
Stupid thoughts, irrational fears and a constant whisper telling me what a failure I am. Isn't it insane how we listen?
This is MY blog, so I'll share a few of my private rants. Please hear me, my sharing this stuff in NO WAY is a cry for your help. I'm doing really well these days. Honestly!
So, some of my irrational thoughts or realities that really don't matter but keep me awake:
I'm 51 and we live paycheque to paycheque whilst renting making me an utter failure.
We're always behind on bills which is my fault.
I'm out of condition and its tricky to exercise due to chronic pain. (excuses)
I suffer chronic pain so its tricky to take exercise. (excuses)
I just might be a stone's throw from nuttier than a fruitcake. (aren't we all?)
I'm frightened that I may have high blood pressure. (GET IT CHECKED YA TIT)
I believe I don't mentally stimulate my favourite human enough.
I may not be a good enough lover. (men are stupid)
Who does she dream about?
So...what do YOU do to stifle the lies? To lower your pulse? To cast the demon back into darkness?
Are you a believer of the twilight bullshit that you feed yourself? Do you forget the truth the same way I do?
Here's some secrets I'll tell you for free:
If you're like me, you're the author of your lies. You're the critic. You're the scoundrel.
So here's the plan. Go to the mirror, look deep into your eyes, breathe...and say out loud. "I love you"
Sleep tight.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you Lance for your beautiful honesty. This one speaks to me dramatically, that was my brain last night...a new experience for me, though it has happened a couple of times lately. I am so glad I didn't read this blog until today, as I now relate to it so well. Thank you for your friendship brother, know what is true and reject the lie.