I'm on Citalopram. It's an antidepressant drug that helps my brain recognize "feel goods" and to NOT dwell on the negative downers that I used to be able to dismiss in time without the aid of artificial chemical enhancement.
Example? I look forward to my daily Northbound drive over the Lions Gate Bridge here in Vancouver because I can see and smell the ocean and breathe in the mountains.
One day, it was dreary and cloudy drizzle obscured the mountains from view...and I cried. My day was shot, I was overwhelmed by an irrational dread that orchestrated the rest of my day. I allowed an event that was and IS 100% out of my control to plan my day for me. To negate all the good things regardless of importance, and smother them in thick gray doom.
Squirrels give me joy! Crows...I love crows! Not that day...I didn't drink them in even if I saw any. Safe to say that I didn't notice them. What else did I miss?
WHO have I missed?
I'm in the habit (or preference) of taking coffee as a meal replacement these days. I'm certain my health is shit! I look forward to seeing my friends...the Alley Rats as I lovingly call them, and offering them foods and coffee. I can do without 3 meals today to spare a crust for them...
I see them by 10 am but they're well into the beer by then, no desire for coffee. But they happily, graciously accept my alms of food.
I gave Ray a pecan pie. "I haven't a pecan pie in I don't know how long Lance. It was my favourite as a kid."
Gerald was thrilled to get yogurt.
I won't buy them beer. I'll have a drink with them if I'm not working, but I won't buy it for them. I don't see the point of increasing the incline of a stairway that a human already has trouble negotiating.
I drive truck. Over an average week, I'll back my truck through approximately 70 different situations most of which have rather dodgy geometry and limited visibility. Not to mention the utterly stupid drivers and pedestrians that proceed directly behind me the second my back up alarm begins chirping as I hit my horn 3 or 5 times!
I rely on my mirrors. Next to my brakes, my mirrors are my saviour.
My right mirror has the same inscribed saying that your car does...the title of this post.
The other day, I was sitting on the right portion of the seat in my truck cleaning my interior and the right mirror. I was thinking of Harry. I often find myself thinking of him. #MissingHarry is a hashtag I use often.
My right arm was resting on the edge of the open window as I sat there thinking of him. I don't remember him as a young man, he was 38 when I came to earth.
The reflection of my right arm looked foreign to me. Otherworldly, not my own really. It looked like Harry's arm in all truth. My muscles are relaxing with age, that vibrant colour of youth has long been fading and freckles...are those freckles?
Then I caught a glimpse of those words: CAUTION OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR
I'm 51 and living, for the time being, with depression. The thought of getting old and redundant is NOT something I'm keen on but I'm fortunate enough to not have the experience of the alternative. Evidently I'm not going to die young.
So I looked in that damned mirror. I looked deeply INTO that mirror. All of my flaws that it reflected back to me, all of my secrets shouted loudly, my truth, my lies...all of my stories and experiences slapped me into sobriety.
I looked at my arm, my face...LANCE!
I'm not giving up on me.
I'm not in love with me right now, but I'm damned fond of me.
Hey, I'm a work in progress right?